Now - Part I - Holding the vision - Round 1

Following on from my last post - my summary run down of all the pieces of how I choose to work forward from now to a better future, in the ways that work for me - I'm expanding now on the first piece - Holding the vision. I could write much more on this, and I will, but for now I want to get on and share this, so I'll attempt to keep it short(er)! So for now I have one visioning to share that I find very helpful, and important, and just a little accompanying explanation, for now.

All that is good, growing

Listen or download my recording of All that is good, growing, on Soundcloud.

This visioning had its origin back in 2014, one night in the magical town of Glastonbury, as I walked along roads near the Tor, back towards my temporary home at Paddington Farm. As I walked, in the dark, I had a moment in which a kind of vision, or maybe a sense or a feeling, came to me. I almost saw it, glowing in the air before me, and I felt it, right through me. It was like hope manifested, and it was powerful and strong. Since then, many times, I have returned to this same vision or feeling.

I find that holding this vision, bringing my focus, and intention, to this vision, helps me to keep on course, to keep going, to keep working on the things that matter most, as we head towards the future. I also find it helps in the tougher moments, when despair, fear or anger rear and hope seems harder to find. 

It was hard to put the full sense of the vision or feeling into words but I've been wanting to share it, and I keep trying to explain it, so I've done my best to capture it. My hope for sharing is that it could also be helpful for others to listen -  hopefully that amazing powerful feeling it gives me translates. Or maybe it can also help others find or strengthen their own personal version of a similar kind of thing, to hold for focus, intention and direction, especially in those moments when the way seems hard to find. The vision, sense or feeling is more important than the words anyway, if that makes any sense.

You might already have your own visions that you hold, I would love to know about them if you would like to share. Or perhaps you have a stirring, waiting for full attention. I encourage you to allow space and time to nurture your visions to grow. I found it helpful when I explained my vision to someone last year and they suggested I try to hold that space every day. So now I am making extra effort to try to come back to it as much as I can. The more the better really!

So I hope that you might find it of value too. And please also enjoy the live and unorchestrated accompaniment by at least two kinds of frogs that live in our dam, further down the hill from where I sat, under my favourite big old eucalyptus tree, in the wee hours of the night, as I recorded. Listen close and you may hear other visitors, though some missed out on making it to the final recording - like the roaring koalas that made themselves heard several times. There was also a bird of some kind calling  - perhaps an owl; another larger animal - maybe one of the koalas or possibly a kangaroo - moving about quite close to me, almost as if they were listening; and some different insects, piping in with their sounds, their movements and even their presence on my page as I read.

Last, but by no means least, there are many reasons for the timing of sharing this, and I will return more to this topic of timing later in a general sense, but meanwhile there is one aspect of the timing that must be acknowledged.

I recorded this yesterday, on 26 January, a very sad and difficult day for many people of Australia. 

These words about 26 January are from Lidia Thorpe, a Gunnai/Gunditjmara woman and Indigenous Rights Lead for Amnesty International Australia, sent via the Amnesty International email list, to raise awareness and share details of Invasion Day Marches and Rallies. I felt it better to share Lidia's words directly rather than explain it in my own.

"While many Australians celebrate 26 January as Australia Day, for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples it is a day of resistance, mourning, and truth telling. This day, which marks the landing of the first fleet, also signifies dispossession of my land, people, language and culture. 

"Our history goes back well beyond 26 January 1788. It began over 80,000 years ago. Let’s stand in solidarity this Invasion Day to respectfully mourn the survival and resilience of the oldest living culture in the world. Let’s acknowledge that Aboriginal nations are Sovereign nations who never signed a Treaty and are united in the ongoing fight for our rights.

"We encourage you to attend Indigenous events on and around 26 January. We have created a national list of events so you can find one near you.

"We all want to be part of a nation which we can celebrate and be proud of, but that starts with addressing the trauma of colonisation and its impact today. 

"With your support, we will continue to change and mature into a more inclusive nation."

And as one sign of all that is good, growing, attendance at Invasion Day rallies and marches grows every year - Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people and other Australian people, standing together in acknowledgement of the true history of this day.

And at this time in history, the voices of First Nation people from around the world are ringing clear and strong, with all that is good, and growing; calling for respect and recognition of the long history of their cultures and connection with their lands, their Countries; calling for protection of the land and environment for all. 

And so, in solidarity, I would like to respectfully dedicate this visioning that I am sharing, of all that is good, growing, to the Wathaurung people of the land on which I live, and to all First Nation people of this continent on which I live, and to First Nation people of all the lands of our world.

And on we go, together. All that is good, growing.

All that is good, growing

Listen or download my recording of All that is good, growing, on Soundcloud.

Prelude to Now - Part II - The World As We Know It Is Ending - So Now What?

In these uncertain times, it is more important than ever that we live consciously, intentionally and truthfully - with integrity and authenticity; with mindfulness, awareness, openness; and willingness to reflect, consider, grow, change, flex and adapt. We must make choices from our hearts, and listen, think, act, speak and share with care, compassion, connection, and love, always love. All to the best of our ever growing abilities. Despite all that we cannot know, all that we do not yet know, and all that we do know; despite our challenges, our fear, our pain, our grief; we can choose our way forward, and on we go.

So for me, having previously fallen under the weight of it all, and reaching a crisis point again, I knew I had to take care of myself in these tumultuous tide turning times, and flow with the waves instead of resisting, fighting, and floundering. So this time I used both old - perhaps forgotten, and now remembered - and new - gathered, learnt, practised - resources, skills and knowledge, to stop myself falling so hard. This doesn't mean it has been easy. But it means I do now know what I can do, what I need to do, what I have to do, what I must do, to support myself and to work always onward, forward, upwards, towards the new world I can see in my vision. The new world that follows the world that is ending, the world as we know it.

Each part of this picture is big. Complex and detailed and wonderful. So here I will start with a list of some of the pieces of this puzzle. And I will follow this post with more in depth exploration of these important pieces that together support me as I work forward in the way that works for me, as I play the role of my piece in the bigger picture puzzle. Each of us is a piece in this puzzle, each of us has a role to play, and it is so important that we all step up to and into these roles. We must find the ways that resonate with our hearts, our souls, our spirits, our minds, our bodies, our visions and our dreams of all that is good, and work forward humming with that resonance. We work forward toward all that is wonderful and amazing, all that is sustaining and nurturing and creative, and powerful - in a truly, deeply powerful way. Not easy, but very necessary.

And so, here follows an ever growing and expanding list of all the pieces of the puzzle that is my piece of the bigger picture puzzle...

Holding the vision - though no one can say what the future will hold, we can all harness the power of our will by holding the vision of all that is good, growing. This way anything can be possible, and magic can happen. We are releasing all that no longer serves; and all that is good is growing. The tide is turning. The groundswell is building. We are returning to our deepest knowing, reclaiming our power, and reconnecting - reconnecting to our hearts, and souls, to spirit, to each other, to all that is. We are remembering, we are reimagining, we are regenerating. All that is good, is growing. 

Supporting myself - in oh so many ways. Supporting myself with various personal practices, and seeking support from others - those around me, my village, my tribe, a wider community of connections growing, and also professionals of various kinds, as required - be it a massage, Shiatsu or Reiki treatment, Chinese medicine, a counsellor or something less easily defined, there are many people out there with the role, the skills and knowledge to help healing and support people through testing times. Also, of particular note, this year I discovered a wonderful growing network called the Good Grief Network, and with them, I worked through an online group support program of 10 steps, designed to support us through the big feelings - despair, anxiety, overwhelm, confusion... and uncertainty of these times... and to share understanding and tools that provide resilience, enable us to continue on, and empower us to keep moving forward and contributing in meaningful, fulfilling and sustaining ways.

Creating change - personal change. We now find ourselves in a world where it is not always easy to live within the bounds of our finite planet and its limited resources. It is not easy to know what is the right thing to do, let alone how to do it. It is not always easy to live in real, true, deep connection, even with ourselves, let alone with each other, our work, our communities and our environment. But we must do our absolute best and just keep on trying. We all start from wherever we are, and from there we can only move forward. It's not always a simple step wise process, we can have our ups and downs along the way, but we can always keep trying, keep learning and keep growing our knowledge, our understanding, our skills and resources. And we can keep sharing and supporting each other in this along the way. And where individual change is the hardest, that is where we need to work for bigger change, where we need to step up as citizens and work to create community change, system change. So on that note...

Supporting others and connecting with others - I will soon be starting to facilitate Good Grief Groups in my own area, to support others, just as this program continues to support me. Also my aim as a healing helper, in my work in general, is to support others in whatever they need, and to support us all, including myself, to live ever more in our hearts, in deepening connection with our selves, and our souls, with each other in community, and with all of Nature and the Universe of which we are so privileged to be a part. More connection, more love, and more living lightly in every way.

Supporting community and growing change more - So many ways to do this! Yay! We are never alone! Lately I have been volunteering each month at the Ballarat Repair Cafe - since it started back in July - as part of a team of volunteers mending people's things, and growing the culture of repair, and respect for resources while actually, right there, on the day, saving resources from going to waste and allowing them to continue to be used. I have also this year started managing the Ballarat Cloth Nappy Library, and along with a wonderful team of local helpers and a wider network growing, the aim is to grow the library and continue to inspire, encourage and support more and more parents to use cloth nappies, again reducing waste and saving resources, and meanwhile building a village and network of support for parents generally, as those first few years of the nappy days can be so crucial in so many ways. Tonight I also did my first shift in a long while at the Wholefoods Collective, part of the conditions of membership that I haven't been keeping up with as well as I might have in these years with small children. Soon to be remedied as I become more available!! It was nourishing tonight to be on the other side, not just filling my own containers, but doing my time - refilling stock, washing dishes, tubs and buckets, answering questions... and meanwhile enjoying the company of community committed to ethical food choices.

Working for even bigger change - I've been signing petitions and sending form emails as they come up, for whatever they're worth, and after attending the global School Climate Strike in September and so far two Ballarat Climate Action Network meetings and a recent BREAZE Green Drinks I will continue showing up to strikes, marches, rallies, actions, meetings and gatherings when I can and when they feel an effective use of my time. I will also continue connecting in with groups and networks and doing further deeper work as much as I can. Currently in the mix as specific ongoing projects - following a webinar with Friends of the Earth Melbourne's Act on Climate I have begun work lobbying Victorian Labor MPs, by writing letters and arranging and attending meetings, to set strong, science-based emissions reduction targets for 2025 and 2030, as we head for the legislated zero net emissions by 2050 - as fast as possible!!! Growing connections and sharing learnings around this work too. And also, after emailing the Premier, various Ministers, and VicRoads and then Major Roads Projects Victoria, as directed by the Djap Wurrung embassy, with the aim of supporting the protection of sacred Djap Wurrung birthing trees, other trees and land threatened by the planned duplication of the highway, I followed the train of insufficient responses to the point of a complaint to the Office of the Victorian Ombudsman, which along with other complaints submitted has led the Ombudsman herself to pursue her 'own motion' inquiries into the processes. Both these lines of work have required me to step out of my comfort zone and extend myself. I have felt deeply nervous doing this, but it just goes to show that it is possible for each of our voices to have an impact. And so we must continue to speak our truths and do our work for change. Engaged and activated!

Living in a new paradigm - Lastly on system change, I believe in living the world we want to create as much as we can. Be the change we want to see! A phrase I have previously used to encapsulate my disengagement, as much as I possibly can, with capitalism and the culture of growth at any cost, is: "Minimising my participation in the economy of false costs and values." I mention this because this is an important key at the heart of it. This system we find ourselves enmeshed in must change, in so many ways. It can only collapse, and the ways that replace it will bring more than we ever will lose by its destruction. So, briefly and simply, what I mean by that, in part at least, is reducing to a minimum all unnecessary consumption, avoiding mass media and advertising as much as I can, choosing to step off the treadmill of worthless work for worthless money; and instead prioritising all that is vibrant and glowing, heart warming and growing - supporting, being, becoming - all that is local, self-sufficient, and community oriented - sharing, caring, giving, receiving, growing and creating. And also holding strong to truth - stripping away all falsehoods and manipulations and just holding true to the essence of what matters most. The changes that we are going through are deep and complex and all encompassing, while at the same time really it's a stripping away of all that is obfuscatingly complicated, back to the simple and clear essence of all that really truly matters. There is no area of our way of life that will remain unaffected. So we can dream our wildest dreams, imagine that all that we ever dared hope for really is possible - anything is possible! - and we can live on into the future as we become even more than our wildest dreams and greatest hopes, beyond all imagining! 

Learning for the new paradigm - And always I aim to keep learning new skills and new knowledge for a new world in a new future. The possibilities are endless! We can upskill ourselves in so many wonderful, interesting, and important, ways! We can learn like sponges - both intentionally, and incidentally along the way; through courses, workshops, reading, research; and by talking, discussing, asking, and observing. It's hard to list what I've been learning lately as there is so much every single day, but I suppose as ongoing themes I've been focussing on learning about various aspects to do with parenting - through courses and also reading - and also communication and relationships more generally - all skills and knowledge that I believe is vital to our future; also I've had some focus on food, cooking, gardening, growing, seed saving… mostly practical and experimental but also courses and reading; and of course my Reiki and Counselling studies - for now I've been taking a bit of a break with the Diploma of Counselling, but keen to get back to it in the new year, and meanwhile I completed my year of mentorship for Level III Reiki and I am now a Reiki Master, qualified to teach Reiki and share it onwards with others - yay! And, all of the above! Every other area above is an area where I am learning. Mending skills, and mending possibilities, at the Repair Cafe; reading about mindfulness and self-compassion and also many articles as part of the Good Grief Network in aid of learning how better to support myself, and others. Also learning more about the complexity of the issues faced by Aboriginal people, and also, in particular, reading about the appropriate language to use in this context, and learning more about local Aboriginal Wadawurrung history and culture too - via events and reading. And the MP Lobbying has also been a massive learning area, and along with that, engaging with media - sometimes it's as much about just getting on and doing it as anything, but workshops and encouragement and support from others have been crucial in getting me to step out of my comfort zone many times over this part year! … And on it goes…! 

Likewise, all of the things in the other categories above really go some way to changing systems too probably. These categories are much overlapping in many ways - there is no real need for clearer delineation - that would only be to simplify and lose the essential depth and complexity - but I feel that each category adds to the overall picture, and for me it is important to cover all of those areas, so that is why they form my list (for now anyway!). Meanwhile the pieces of your puzzle might look completely different, as they will form a different, vitally important piece of that overall big picture puzzle too. All that matters is that ultimately we are all headed the same way and we are all stepping forward, one step at a time, leaving behind all that no longer serves, and growing all that is good, while we add our piece to the bigger puzzle that is the new world we are heading to. 

And all that is good, is growing.

Prelude and Now - Part I - The World as We Know It Is Ending

I'm going to start with a disclaimer on this one. I hold no judgement on anyone. At least, that is, I try my very best. No one's perfect hey. If I fall into judgement, I do my best to notice, to stop, and to remember to see the perspective of the other (or myself, as the case may be). I choose to always try to do my best to see all with love - that part at least is easy. Love is always easy. The tricky bit is sometimes just clearing some of the rest of it around to make the way of love more clear as onward we go. So. There are some strong feelings in this one. They might stir the pot. But I'm not going to censor myself. I'm making the choice to share my full truth here. If you feel triggered, I apologise. I say again, I do not judge you. I love you. This is my truth. It may not be yours. And that is ok. Love exists regardless. It is the only way. Truly. If you have big feelings surface here that you struggle with, if you have any questions, if there's anything you would like to talk through, if there is anything you would like to understand, please feel free to get in touch. No question is wrong, no thought is stupid. Much of our society has striven to hide the truth. But the truth is the truth and it is always there. It cannot be denied. And the aim is always to grow together, to move forward, to support one another. So, I am here. Please feel free to connect. This is part of my work.

So, that important piece said... I continue...

And once more, the stories spiral around again to meet each other in the same place but, thankfully, for me personally, a new place, a better place and a stronger place... For the challenges we now face are also bigger and stronger than ever... And so it continues... In amongst it all, hoping to find more and more ways of growing all that is good - love, love, love... and letting go of all that no longer serves us - the unnecessary burdens that hold us down... and on we go, forward, onwards, upwards always... Working to hold dear all that is so very precious, so very fragile, so very beautiful and so very irreplaceable, and to follow our visions of the better ways that are possible, that must be possible, that already exist, that have always existed, and that must be strengthened, supported, grown and shared, of living in connection, balance and harmony with all of Life. All of Life and its many complex and interconnected cycles and symbiotic processes; living, dying, birthing, waxing, waning, growing, changing, transforming, all part of the one big wonderful thing that is Everything, nothing separate from anything else, all connected across space and across time. This we have to hold dear.

After I last wrote, I was reflecting on listening, listening to my body, listening to the trees and to the birds, listening to the land, listening listening listening... More to come on all that, hopefully soon...

And it all came together and suddenly I realised I hadn't even written of - at least not explicitly as a focus - and maybe I hadn't yet even had the fully conscious understanding (but how could I have missed it when it was so all pervasive...??) that underneath it all, under all my personal struggles of those dark days years ago that I have written about, was the biggest anguish of all, that really ultimately got me to where I ended up. The absolute despair, fear, guilt, disgust, shame, anger, overwhelm, despondence and ultimately paralysis of knowing the true depths of the dire situation we humans have created that now faces us all, and all of Life as we know it.

All those years ago, back then, I had learned more and more and more about how what we humans do is damaging all the fragile, beautiful and complex systems of Life on this planet. And the more I looked for solutions, the further away they started to feel.

I could easily tick off the 100 tips for living greener I found in a book in the library, which only left me wondering where to go next. Because I knew that was not enough. So I found new things to learn and new things to try, new people to learn from, new worlds to explore, ever more learning. I pushed myself and pushed myself to and beyond my limits in trying to live within the footprint of just one planet, just the one planet that we have, but it never felt like I was doing enough. And while I was almost completely breaking myself doing that, meanwhile whenever I ventured further out from my safe zone of home with my trees and my birds, more and more I was confronted by a feeling that all my efforts were futile.

I was directly surrounded by people who care deeply, who work so hard to live so well and who have the lowest footprints of anyone I know. I lived and worked in concentric and overlapping circles of communities within communities, populated by many such caring, light footprinted folk. So when I stayed close to home it was easier to hold hope, to feel that things would be ok and that everyone cared and we would all work together to forge the new ways.

But the further I went from home, the more I was bombarded by the pollution and waste, concrete and asphalt (where's the ground gone??), and general destruction of the rampant consumerism of this Western society that I had become extra re-sensitised to, after a desensitising early life in the city was followed by my time moving closer and closer and closer to Real Life - Nature - Community - True Life, and I meanwhile became ever more sensitive as my long overwhelmed senses were finally given the chance to reopen, reawaken.

And so, just as all the foundations of my life - relationship, home, family, community, career - were simultaneously becoming shaky and ceasing to hold me up, as I have previously written about, all this was going on, somehow under the surface, too big to bring fully out onto the table. And in the end, as I was dealing with, or - I suppose - not really dealing with, all the massive feelings; as I continued the ongoing intellectual struggle to understand and find solutions; and as more and more I felt the onslaught on my sensitive soul by this rampant destruction I was party to in a way that left me feeling I could not escape; it all just became too much. I was paralysed. I had pushed myself physically, mentally, and emotionally, to my limits and still none of it ever felt enough. I had worked volunteering to try to help make the world a better place in group after group but I could no longer hold patience against my fear of the too slow turning tide of change, though at least I time to time hoped change was actually happening, albeit so painfully slowly. I felt like those who were involved were already on board and it was like preaching to the converted, while those outside the circle of influence could never be brought in from their mutually exclusive paradigm. I catastrophised what I saw because of my fear and stress and despair. It all just seemed too impossible and I became paralysed by it all. And with my overwhelm and paralysis I became ineffective in the work and group by group I stopped participating.

And meanwhile if I did venture as far as the big city, on a journey to visit family or friends, the black stream of the marching majority in the streets of bright lights, billboards and vending machines overwhelmed me further and I clung to any sight of green growth coming up through the cracks in the concrete and almost stopped to wrap myself around any tree I passed in relief. It felt like all these people were just going along like nothing was happening while inside I wanted to scream at them all without even realising that was what was happening inside me. And so something inside me started to shut down. Again, overwhelmed, overwhelmed, overwhelmed, on all fronts, my system crashed.

And so in amongst it all, I defaulted to escapism, an old pattern of many varieties. I read fiction for younger readers, I watched series and movies on my computer, I stayed up late, I slept in, I drank, I smoked, I ate chocolate, and other junk food, then berated myself for contributing to all the problems. I didn't stretch to hard drugs but I did pretty much all the other things. More on that soon too anyway... I also stopped interacting with people so much, while I've always been such a social person. I still interacted, but it wasn't the same. Over time I withdrew more and more and my interactions became much more limited.

Where things went from there is part of the ongoing story yet to come, but it was certainly a big journey to find my way out of the maze I put myself into. But there is where I am now up to in that story. And so while all these big feelings were creeping back to me, as I found the shape of where I really had been, back all those years ago, they were meanwhile shaping up to come back to hit me for six again, as happens in the cyclical nature of things. I suppose it's always present - more on that later along the way too - but recent events have both held it at bay in some way, and then more recently allowed it to come to back to the forefront again...

So if you've been reading, you'll probably know that I've basically spent the last few years in what I sometimes refer to as the baby "survival zone". Pregnancy, new motherhood, pregnancy again (plus toddler = extra exhausting) and then another baby to join the family. Intense times. And so during these times the focus has been mostly on just getting through each day. Sure there's been a lot of joy, love, laughs and a whole lot of cute along the way, don't get me wrong. But I don't think anyone would say it's all easy peasy fun and games... Some find it harder than others; and for me I don't think it's been quite the hardest it could have been, but it's certainly been a long way from the easiest. I'm still working all this stuff out really. More on that to come too... It's even just that there's a lot of logistics involved in the simplest of things and then just when you think you have it all sorted, something - most often something to do with pee, poo, potties, nappies, food - oh woe food, or maybe naps, just for something completely different - will throw a spanner in the works and you're back working it out all over again... And sleep. You don't know just how important it is until it's gone... I spent my early life wishing I didn't have to waste time sleeping, and skipping more of it than I should have along the way. Now I just think... "One day I will sleep again." On repeat. So, survival zone... Aaaaaaaanyway...

So meanwhile, my personal footprint, now also expanded to a family footprint divided by the four of us in our domain of responsibility, has taken a slide....... And so after all my work making it smaller and smaller as much as I could over all those years, it's now a big long mucky yucky slip sliding footprint of more plastic than I've had to throw out for a long time (largely to the recycling for whatever that's been worth in this day and age, but also occasionally to the bin as required for the non-recycleables, yuk, hanging my head in shame - and goodness knows much if not all of the recycling probably joins it in landfill too - hmm this piece has been so long in the writing that the collapse of the recycling system here has come and stamped this in block letters, currently working out how to get anything recycled is a bit of a mission....... ergh...... let's get back to that one too...); much more electricity used than I'd like; more new things bought than probably the previous 10 or more years combined, even despite the many hand me downs from amazing generous folk - thank you all so very muchly; and waaaaaaaaaay more driving than I've been able to stand really.........

Which only just goes to hit me for another 6.

Wham. Bad me. Bad bad bad bad me. The guilt, the berating, the personal criticism, and the shame....... Because one needs more pressure when in the survival zone. Of course.

And round 1 when Big Little was small I did push myself. We had one car only for months and months and Little Big Little and I would get round and about on foot and on public transport and I would carry her on my front and a backpack on the back and shopping bags on each arm sometimes. We left the house when the car was going, with Beloved on his way to work, dragging us both out of bed after nights of much interrupted sleep. We used just 49 disposable (80% compostable) nappies in the whole just under 2 years she was in nappies - 49 too many for my liking! The odd 1 was in the early days, given from a friend who got it in the op shop - it leaked as much as the cloth ones anyway, so I passed on the other couple she gave me. The other 48 were used over nights, in a desperate bid for better sleep, maybe a year and a half in. It didn't help. So on the upside, after beating myself up about it, I went happily back to the routine of full cloth nappy use.

Round 2 with Little Little it was double survival mode for a while. We had already long succumbed to the second car, I had even taken Big Little for long drives on multiple occasions solely for the purpose of getting her to nap, after she conveniently decided she'd like to try to drop naps completely at about 16 months, while her contemporaries were meanwhile dropping from two to one naps or still on two, and I was pregnant and exhausted. In the nursery with premmie Little Little they sadly only had disposable nappies available, rather than the cloth and washing service that they had available on the ward with Big Little in her Little Little days. So that started us on the wrong foot and once home we used disposables regularly for night time and sometimes in the day time for Little Little from the start. I kept count out of guilt for some months, but lost some of my records about 9 months in, after a particularly guilty time of using disposables full time, while on holiday at the beach with my sister and her family who were visiting from overseas, and perhaps because of the lost records, or perhaps just because it was just too horrible to keep on counting, after that, I stopped keeping count. Who knows how many horrible hundreds we have used now another 8 or so months along.

And food. We do our best. We get veggie boxes weekly (at least when I remember to order it!) - organic, almost entirely packaging free, more or less local (sometimes choosing the 100 mile box but sometimes the mixed choice including items from further afield within Australia). We try to fill up our own containers at the Wholefoods Collective, and thankfully there are now several shops offering more and more fill your own container options round town. But children. Feeding small children. What a mission. And the time, lack of time, to do anything the long way, cooking, shopping, anything. Or even just the trying to fill up your own containers with a three year old at your feet desperate to help (which works, sort of, sometimes...) and a one year old in the sling in front of you preventing your arms from quite so easily meeting at the opening of the container, blocking your view, and making it just that bit tricky to meet scoop with container...

But anyway. We can only move forward from where we are at. And we must acknowledge that we have come forward from where we have been. Even when sometimes it's an up and down journey along the way... Enough berating, enough excuses. It is what it is - as some would say and some would hate to say - and we must just always try our very best to go forward from where we are at. Which is where I am at right now.

So back to the train of thought before the berating and excuses... So part of why all this stuff was stirring again was that I felt I was finally coming out of baby survival mode, and I was feeling more and more restless and angry at myself for taking shortcuts I wouldn't have before (in case you missed that little outburst there), for doing things in ways I wouldn't have let myself for years. I knew it was time to kick myself in the pants and improve my game again. And also join with some community actions to grow and spread the love and inspiration a little further.

And so then while all this was stirring, the hope of Australia's "climate election" was building. Wow. This could be it, I thought, along with many. Time for some real action, some real change, led from all the levels, not just the uphill battle from below.

And then wham bam bang crash knock me over completely, along with everybody else in this country - unfortunately apparently a significant minority - who actually have all the actual information and actually understand fully, or at least to some degree what's going on (and no thanks to major media there) and choose their actions and make their vote in alignment with caring first and foremost about the future of humanity, this planet and all the life on it. So as it turns out, it would seem there was some kind of bubble effect and everyone who thought this was the "climate election" was apparently just not aware of the majority there outside the bubble with their damn sharp needles pointed ready to pop, who obviously just have no idea what is really going on thanks to the efforts of media mongrels mangling the truth of the matter with the support of all those in favour of profit at any expense, or at least I'm choosing to go with the benefit of the doubt here and try not to start blaming the general public (aside from aforementioned mass media and those declared to be in favour of profit at any expense, because there the answer is clearly written and propagated) for putting their own short term gain, real or falsely promised and therefore imagined, ahead of well, the future of everything really.

So boom. There went the hopes of many. Mine among them. And back I fell into that pit of despair, disbelief, disgust, anger, fear, overwhelm.

But this time round it's been different. This time I am stronger. I won't say it hasn't been a hard few months, for me along with a lot of people. The stories in the news about mass extinctions, ongoing forest clearing and ecosystem destruction, and the future we face if we don't halt carbon emissions and start extracting carbon back from the atmosphere - Right. Now. - are absolutely devastating and frightening. And the knowledge that the people with political power, the people with all the power of lots of money, the people with the power to control large proportions of media, the people in charge of most of the decisions that have far reaching consequences, all just seem to think it's ok to just destroy it all, is terrifying. But this time, instead of paralysis and withdrawal, I have found my way onwards. There is hope. And there is action swirling, on the ground level. The masses are gathering, the momentum is building, the tide is turning. It is and it must. Because the ONLY time is NOW.

This time I am stronger. I know the power of love in my heart. I know how to take care of myself better as I go, and I do it. I have stronger connections, within and without, so much more experience, skills, tools, techniques and knowledge of things that go further, deeper into realms of truth and meaning, in ways I never expected. I have found so many different parts of the story on my journey, all that I will be writing about as I go. And I am aware of what is going on within me and I allow it, I acknowledge it, and I have ways to help manage it while working always onwards, forwards, upwards...

So on we go. Finding ways to leave behind all that no longer serves, and to grow all that is good. To find new ways from old ways, to continue the good work and keep on finding what to do next, and/or perhaps what to be next, to move together towards the visions of a better future.

To be continued. (Preview hint, next instalment will be about all of the ways forward currently in process right now, right here, for me.)

Prelude interlude - Riding (and crashing) bikes, and Reframing

So I figured I can't really go on without a whole piece devoted primarily to riding, as that would be to neglect an aspect that was such a central part of my life in those years. I miss riding my bike a lot in these days of lots too much driving and being inside a fair bit more than I once was… (In fact, this piece has been in waiting since August last year, more than 6 months, while not as much writing was happening, and other pieces kept interrupting… It's interesting how the timing has worked out in the end though, as it often is… More on that later.)

So in 2007 when I moved further away from, well, everywhere really, but further from the city primarily, and from town, and from work, more specifically, the main thing I was concerned about was not becoming reliant on a car. I had owned a car once before, years earlier, a hand me down station wagon Corona, from my father, but since that time I had intentionally chosen not to own a car, and instead I mainly caught public transport and walked, and I occasionally rode a bicycle. Now I was going to be living somewhere with solar electricity and hot water, a composting toilet, rainwater tanks and a vegie garden - a dream rental discovered by way of a beautiful artistic hand drawn ad on a noticeboard - but it was 10km to the closest town, and 20km to the town where I had found a part time job in before and after school care three days a week, and the limited public transport passing somewhat nearby (a few kms from home) didn't get me there in time for my early starts or home after my late finishes. 

At first I wondered if I should get a motorbike license and a little postie bike, but then I discovered the existence of electric bicycles, and I was sold. With only a little energy input (200W) to run the little motor in the front wheel, I would be able to get to where I was going faster and with less effort from me over those big distances I would be regularly travelling than if I rode a regular bicycle, and as a bonus I would be still able to ride in the open air and enjoy some easy exercise along the way. The energy input would be much lower than a car, or even a postie bike, and it wouldn't take all that much longer than driving, or riding a motorbike, so with the exercise time thrown in, it seemed an efficient and enjoyable way to travel and keep fit at once.

I did some research, chose my bike, and off I buzzed on my Bumblebee bicycle, never to look back. :-)

Shiny new Bumblebee bicycle locked up at work, after one of my very first rides - yay!

From then on I rode almost everywhere. In the beginning I was living in that beautiful dream sustainable home with my then boyfriend, so sometimes we would drive in his van when we were going somewhere together, and occasionally on my solo journeys, which were mostly to work, I would have some battery trouble, or a puncture, or I would wimp out at a spot of rain and ask him to pick me up, but I rode most of the time, and very quickly clocked up enough kilometres to have gotten me to the top of Australia and back. 

The landscapes of my ride were beautiful, and because of the early starts and late finishes that went along with my job, for a good part of the year I rode at those magical hours around sunrises and sunsets, and saw many a beautiful sky on my travels. Long socks became my staple fashion choice, and I would tuck my socks into my pants and choose whole outfits based on the colours of the stripes. And I wore a fancy, flashy, if rather garish, safety hi-vis reflector vest, not taking any chances. In summer, my built in air conditioning (the wind) made the ride more pleasant, while the electric motor took the top off the hills; and in winter I rugged up in layers - good jackets, scarves, headbands under my helmet, two pairs of gloves, and plastic bread bags between my two pairs of socks, and I sang songs to warm me up from the inside.

My first summer, returning late from the nearest train station - 35km away - after a trip to Melbourne with my bicycle, I relished the discovery of the absolute pitch darkness of the roads near my home, a far cry from the ever present street lights of my city upbringing, and discovered that in addition to the handlebar light I had purchased on the way home, I would require a head torch on my head so that I could locate the kangaroos that thumped along beside me outside the beam of my head light, and make sure not to crash into them if they suddenly changed paths! In fact, I soon developed something of a sixth sense with regard to the kangaroos in any case, and found that whenever one appeared I had generally slowed down just prior. I'm still not sure whether this was a subconscious response to hearing them, or smelling them, or what it was, all I know is that I would regularly speed along, but I was never going fast when a kangaroo did appear.

Heading towards darkness, a new moon shining above

In fact I ended up wearing so many lights, for my vision and for my visibility, that one year I rocked up to a Christmas in July party with my friends, and decided I was wearing all the costume I needed to be a Christmas tree and put my head torch and rear helmet light on flash mode and away I went. :-)

Wherever I rode I enjoyed the up hills and downs (though possibly somewhat more the downs!), and grew to really understand and love the microclimates of field and forest, hill and vale. I loved the first hand experience of the weather day to day and the slower changes of the cycle of the seasons.

The best of a series of attempts at a bicycle shadow selfie - no mean feat!

When that boyfriend and I split, I moved in with a friend for a bit, slightly further from the closest town where I had found most of my friends in the area and where my social and community activities tended to be based; a little closer to work; but, notably, to a somewhat significantly higher elevation. Where my previous work commute had involved an overall altitude difference of only 20m (though the ups and downs of each trip were 90m up and 110m down, or vice versa on the return journey), I was then living around 300m higher than my workplace!

My battery was also getting older and wearing out from all the use, so I had a few occasions on the way home, riding up that last hill, panniers fully stocked with groceries and too many heavy things, to really work my legs - and they were strong legs back then, much as I didn't think so at the time! - and to feel gratitude for the battery that usually helped me on the way, while perhaps occasionally, I admit, cursing its extra dead weight when its power was drained…!

My 5kg brick of a battery, a blessing fully charged, a burden when the power ran out...

It was a bit easier again when I moved once more, to a little house called Killarney that I loved, where I ended up living for two years, initially by myself - my first time living alone! - and later with housemates. This time I was a little further again from work, but closer to the town becoming more and more the centre of my activities, and a little lower down...! But still there were hills wherever I rode!!

I had so many adventures in those days, exploring all the back roads, finding different routes to travel from Blampied, Mollongghip, Eganstown, to Daylesford, Creswick, Ballarat… Seeing things clearly without being boxed in a car, at a slower pace better for observation, and with a much more direct experience of all the ups and downs of the landscape and all the bends and potholes in the roads. During that time I often gave directions describing the hills and curves of the roads, as well as the turns... One brisk night I set off home towards Mollongghip, from Bullarto, after a community gathering for the annual general meeting of the Hepburn Renewable Energy Association. I had arrived there via the main road from Daylesford, but I had chosen from my maps the most direct route to take home afterwards. This route took me through the forest, on tracks I had never travelled before. Half way home the clouds covered the moon, and I realised how lucky I was that it was full moon and only a few clouds in the sky, as I discovered in that moment just how difficult it was to see the forks in the road with only my little torchlights illuminating the beautiful shadows of the forest. I might have easily missed a turn and been lost, away from civilisation with no phone reception or anything on a cold, dark night! But I made it through to the main road, feeling like I'd had quite an adventure, and continued on the other side of the main road, down my usual familiar back tracks through known forest ways to home.

Even my well travelled routes, while known, could have led me to all sorts of trouble. Many of the roads I traversed were really more like tracks, often potholed, or made of really quite large chunks of slippery gravel. I had a number of skids and slides along my way, luckily without any major trouble that could easily have befallen me in quite isolated places. I was lucky too that most of the highways and main roads I travelled had good shoulders, wide so that I could keep clear of the fast passing traffic, especially the trucks, that even so buffeted me with their winds, and mostly in good condition and clear of potholes and rubbish. Even so I had many a puncture, usually in the rain, that required a roadside mend, or a rescue phone call. I grew adept at changing tubes, a handy skill to have. My roadside tube repairs were not quite as successful, so I saved them for later, rather than attempting roadside repairs, after a few failures requiring further stops for repairs.

I realise in retrospect how much pluck I had to have so many adventures without ever feeling any sense of fear or worry. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this now, in some ways I am proud of my pluck and courage, but perhaps I was also a little foolhardy at times. I don't know. There are so many ways that I become more cautious as I age, and I suppose to a degree that is natural, it's a funny one to find a good balance in. Especially interesting as I watch my little ones growing and try to encourage them to take risks while being 100% sure I want to keep them safe. Sometimes I have to restrain myself and allow them to stretch themselves, and even to fall, to let them have adventures too, and to feel those feelings of achievement and stretching in their abilities… While meanwhile I feel as I get older that I do become a little more fragile and perhaps less agile, so I feel it's maybe not a bad idea to take a little more care for that reason. I'm currently also quite a bit less fit - sigh... I never realised just how fit I was until it was gone! - though hopefully this is not a permanent thing, and I also feel a sense of the responsibility I now have to others, so perhaps a little more caution is warranted in that case too, but again, where lies that ideal balance… More reflection required…!! 

However I feel about my balance of pluck, courage and foolhardiness in my bicycle days, one thing I am definitely proud of in retrospect is my dedication. Yes, I sometimes took other options when they were available - I drove with my then boyfriend in his van in those early days, and sometimes even got him to collect me, and my bicycle, when tyres were punctured, or it started to rain. I car pooled with friends, found lifts, hitch hiked, took public transport when it was available. But in those days I never faltered in my dedication to riding as my main form of transport. I never considered the option of making my life easier by just getting a car. Rain, hail or shine I rode. I rode more and more as the time went on. And I loved it. I loved it then and I remember it now with so much love, fondness and nostalgia. It changed me for the better all that riding. One day I will ride like that again!

One thing that helped me along my way was the idea of reframing. At the time I had only come across this concept once, in some random blog that I never managed to find again when I looked for it later. I'm pretty sure it was written by a guy with a ginger beard, whose name might or might not have been Anthony. From memory, the blog was about living sustainably and he discussed reframing as a way to make living a sustainable life more enjoyable. I'm pretty sure he used riding bikes as a specific example too. (Or maybe I'm remembering it entirely wrong...!) I certainly applied the idea, as I had understood it from what I had read, and as I had remembered it as the time had gone on, to riding my bike, as well as other ways of living more sustainably.

I applied it by changing the way I thought about some of the inconveniences of riding, as an example, to instead thinking more about all of the many positives that I could choose from to focus on. When I was tired and didn't feel like putting in the effort to ride somewhere, I would think about the exercise I was getting along the way. When I wished I could get somewhere faster, I would think about the time I saved by not having to find a car park, fill a car with petrol, maintain a car, or the extra hours I didn't have to work to pay for the car and all associated costs. Even on a rainy day, when my enthusiasm for riding would occasionally wane a little when I heard the telltale drops on the roof, or I saw the rain from a window or when I stepped outside, I would turn my focus while putting on my waterproofs and setting off, to enjoying the fresh smell of eucalyptus in the air that came up because of the rain, and catching raindrops on my tongue as I rode.

And pretty much every time it ended up being easy once I was on the bike. The exercise naturally contributed to my mental and emotional states as well as my physical state, the joy of the electric bike meant that it really didn't take that much longer to get there at all, especially considering all the time savings, and riding in the rain was actually lovely. Being in the rain is lovely. I mean sure, it's nice to have somewhere to dry off at the end of it, it's important to keep warm - easier when actively riding a bike! - with layers, and as dry as possible with waterproofs top to toe, but really, it's actually very lovely to enjoy the rain falling on us from the sky, and we so often do our best to avoid this that it seems we rarely take the time to stop and enjoy it, but as riding was my only option from getting from A to B, that meant, time to time, I had to go out in the rain, and enjoy it. In fact I grew to love fully experiencing all of the weather - hot, cold, rain, hail, shine, and everything in between. There's nothing like being immersed in the experience of just letting it be as it is, not using our almost ever present climate control options to make it always the uniform same comfortable to the point of numbness (numb in a different way than frosty fingers and toes!) temperature.

Shining jewels of cold weather experience at my feet

I loved riding so much that when I had the opportunity to take part in a special photography exhibition about sacred spaces, by Kate Baker and David Roberts, the space I chose for my photograph was my bike. In the photograph I am standing beside my bike, as the antique cameras being used couldn't quite cope with taking a photograph of me enjoying the motion of riding! But perhaps it is fitting that I am standing instead, with my bike, under a tree, another of my most sacred spaces, with the dappled sun shining through above me, and my feet grounded on the earth.

We were asked to write some words to accompany our photographs. Here are mine:

On my bike I feel present; within myself and the world around me.

I see the road in front; forests, fields, creeks, hills all around.

I see wondrous skies of many colours.

Little details I pass stand out.

I hear songs of birds, thumps of startled wallabies.

I stare back with a smile at puzzled cows.

I know to slow at the scent of an unseen kangaroo.

I smell trees, wafting aromas of flowers, 
    and the freshness of beautiful rain cleansing the world and cleansing me.

I catch raindrops on my tongue and look for puddles in the dark.

The chill on misty winter mornings wakes my mind as my fingers and toes wriggle away from numbness.

The sun on my back warms my body.

I feel balanced as my legs push ever onwards.

I sing as I ride; about love and where I am in my landscape of senses.

Curious cows

Reading it now, the words take me back, to that beautiful, somehow still, while clearly in motion, balanced sacred space.

Aaaaaahhhhh… Every time, I just feel like sitting with that feeling. I hope you can feel it too.

Morning sunlight

It was meditation in motion, clarity, aliveness, presence, joy. And so much more.

Riding, for some reason, from the very beginning, always inspired me to sing. I sang most of the time I was on my bike, also aided by my motor haha… I will admit the singing came less easily on the uphills when greater input from me was required!

I sang more when I was on my bike; and I sang more when I was not on my bike, on the days, during the weeks, when I was regularly riding. I made up little ditties about riding mostly, about the hills, the chills, headwinds and tailwinds… My song about spotting puddles in the dark later grew into a song that went a little deeper, but the first song that I realised was something a bit more, was inspired by a beautiful sunset and a new moon. Even this song took a while to be complete and in the mean time another song, about which I have already written, came along to be the first song I fully finished.

That was my Song for Iain. As it happened, it was also just after Iain passed away that I had my first bicycle crash. Looking back now, I can see how this all - my first crash, and then more, my injuries, also the songs, and losing Iain - linked in with the changes that were beginning to happen to me, how I was feeling, sensing, understanding, how all that had long lain still inside me was growing up to the surface, making itself known. All that was to lead me on my journeying to come.

This first crash happened as I rode from the place where Iain had lived, where we, his friends and family, had gathered after he passed, on my way to the station, to catch the train to Melbourne, to go to Iain's viewing. It was the first time I had gone to see the body of someone passed, someone I had known and loved. I crashed right at the start of the journey, just as I was leaving his old home. I did some kind of somersault after skidding in the gravel on a corner after going too fast down a little hill. Somehow my bike ended up landing completely upside down, and on a slight angle, held up in that position by one handlebar being so deeply embedded in the ground I had to use all my force to pull it out again. To this day I wish I'd stopped to take a photo of that landing before I righted the bike and sped on to the station so as not to miss my train. I didn't realise until later that I had injured my left knee in the crash, to the point that I couldn't ride again after I arrived in Melbourne, that day, or for another 6 weeks. At the station I uncovered the grazing, but the pain, swelling, restriction of movement and bruising didn't appear until later...

The next day I sang Iain's song at his funeral, my first time singing solo in front of so many people, and sharing my own song.

While I was unable to ride I hitched around the place instead. By that time, as well as before and after school care, and teaching teenagers in residential care in between, I was now also doing some volunteer admin for the Hepburn Relocalisation Network, along with Su Dennett, at her home in Hepburn. Su highly approves of and encourages hitch hiking, and regularly hitches herself, and Hepburn is an awesome place for it with so many friendly locals willing to give someone a ride. So I hitched there, I hitched to work, and back home again, and I loved it. More on hitching another time…

After my 6 weeks of recovery, I was back on my bike again for another 6 weeks or so, before one night, as I was riding up in Daylesford, lights a flashing and all, a car pulled out in front of me. They hadn't seen me, despite my best efforts at visibility, in that dark spot, but they had paused before pulling out so I thought they had seen me and continued forth. This time I made contact with my right knee, to their front panel, and also with my head - yay for helmets - to their windscreen. That freaked the driver right out! She was initially more upset than me, though I think that was also because of my initial shock… And perhaps because she admitted her friends had tried to convince her she'd drunk too much to drive... I tried to stand to move my bike, and its now detached front wheel, off the road, and discovered I couldn't. The driver helped me and my bike to the side of the road, as I meanwhile reassured her that I was ok. More or less anyway… Another 6 weeks off the bike and hitch hiking from here to there.

Bruised cheek from windscreen face plant

Through those injuries, I really began my journey of healing. Looking back now I can see that time as my Assemblage Point, as I shared previously. It took me a while to really listen though, so in the end it took some more injuries before I really got the message.

I learned to ride a motorbike (perhaps not the most clever idea after crashing my bicycle twice), inspired by my new partner's plan to ride to the top of Cape York, and my wish to go along too. I got myself a Yamaha XT, and after some months of learning, set off, with my then partner of a year and a half or so, on our first big practice trip - destination: Flinders Ranges. On our second day, we got as far as half way between Mildura and Broken Hill - Broken "Heel" as I have since called it, and as the day was waning, we turned off on a side road to look for a place to set up camp. I hit a patch of sand, had no idea how to handle it, fishtailed further and further out of control, the bike and I somersaulted and the bike ended up landing on my right ankle. We stopped right there for the night as it was almost dark already, bandaging and raising my leg, and in the morning we hitched me a ride in to Mildura hospital, where I had surgery to reattach the bottom piece of my tibia (not actually my heel but close enough) with two screws. Luckily, at least, the two bicycle crashes had inspired me to finally get around to purchasing myself some knee guards, which I was wearing when I crashed, under my kevlar jeans, so despite some bruising on my right knee, it was my petrol tank that lost a fifth of its capacity, and not my knee.

Delirious with shock, post accident

Not as delirious, the next day at Mildura hospital

That injury was still somehow not quite enough for me as it really set me off on more of a downward spiral rather than helping me to find new ways. I was so depressed about my limitations of my motion, I missed my bike, everything was difficult. In retrospect, moving into a caravan where the only toilet was a dig it yourself hole was perhaps not the best move while still on crutches, but in the end I do not regret how things came about. Even if I had to have another spill on sand, this time only 500m from my caravan/shed home, and this time on my bicycle, not the motorbike - which I never quite managed to get back to - and this time break a wrist, just to drive the point home…

There was also a non bike related injury in there... I sliced my finger pretty much to the bone, in a very-sharp-knife cutting softer-than-expected-bread incident. Some may have thought I was just trying to get out of washing the dishes, but there was more to it than that...

It's funny sometimes the roads life takes you on. I wouldn't be here where I am right now, if I hadn't taken all those turns, or if I hadn't had all those accidents along the way. It was such a challenging time, but perhaps without challenges we may not grow to our full potential. Not that I'm saying I would recommend crashing bicycles, or motorbikes, or cutting fingers, as a means for personal development, but in the end that is what I was led to, through all that occurred then, and the journey it all led me to take. All the injuries, and the time of struggle mentally and emotionally that followed, led me in the end to a new place, a better place, a stronger place, a place I never imagined in my wildest dreams. An amazing place. Right here and right now.

After that car pulled out in front of me, I always assumed, EVERY time, that cars did not see me, and I would slow down to stop in case. Pretty sure if I hadn't been doing that, at the intersection just here on the right, one day I would have been taken out, head on, at almost full speed, by a car that turned out barely slowing. A lot more nasty. Defensive riding makes sense. Talk about crossroads in life.

I guess in a way that's another example of reframing. Instead of focussing on the difficulties of those times, now I can see the beautiful gifts that came of it all. As I said before, at that time, and even when I started writing this piece last August, the only time I had really come across this idea of reframing, was that blog I had read so long ago. Googling it as I began to write this, I discovered for the first time that it's actually a particular technique used by psychologists and counsellors. And then in a strange coincidence of timing (as aforementioned), as so often happens in this writing - coming as and when it will - I have in the time since last August, unexpectedly ended up now studying counselling - a path I was not expecting to be drawn to, and in fact, as this piece was coming up again to be written, I have just finished my second unit, including several counselling techniques, among them, you guessed it, reframing.

It's quite a wonderful technique. Really I can see now it's been in my life a lot more than I realised. The word comes up when I search my emails, looking for a little piece of this writing that I had written about reframing (and hoped I had emailed as I had lost it along the way from my phone, with the help of a rock pool - sigh), here and there in different contexts. And I can see how often I do use the technique, whether consciously or subconsciously, to try to take a more positive view of various things, everything from small bumps in life to the greater challenges of existence. And I regularly try to see things from the perspectives of others, to the best of my ability, for my own understanding, for my sake, and for theirs, to try to find common ground, or a way forward, a way to communicate, or a way to compromise. It's not always easy to see things from others' perspectives, and it's not always easy to see things from a better perspective, a more positive perspective, a more balanced perspective, which I guess is part of why we have counsellors, to help us take a more objective view and find those other ways to see things, but if we can, it's always worth it.

Despite my many accidents and injuries, I never gave up riding. I went back to it each time once my physical limitations allowed, part time to start with after my broken ankle (along with a car a kind friend had given me), then back to my main mode. It was great too once I left the country to move briefly back to the big city before I really embarked on my physical journey, and had a job with night shifts when other transport options were limited - quiet city roads are another joy for riding. To be honest I think I would be pretty scared to ride amongst traffic, especially having had my close encounter of the vehicular kind... But night time city riding is awesome. And everything suddenly seems so close! I had some more adventures off the beaten track too, even a bicycle camping off road adventure. But now, with two small people in my life who are rarely not by my side, I haven't yet managed to work out logistics for multiple person bicycle possibilities, and the shoulders aren't great on our roads unfortunately either, so I'd be nervous on behalf of the two small most precious people in my world, to take them with me that way. So for now, my bicycle days are a beautiful memory, and a dream for the future. One day again. I'm looking forward to it. It's starting to feel like it's not so far away, especially with all this reminiscing...

City night bike (observant readers may notice the bike is new, front wheel with motor is the same)

Bike camping adventure - hump on back is my ukulele!

And no reminiscing on my bicycle days would be complete without the accompanying soundtrack, so I'll leave you with some of my bicycle music, songs from my days of wheels on the road, my hair blowing in the wind, my face in the fresh air, the world around me whizzing past in all its beautiful glory. I hope you enjoy. :-) (Note, some are still looking for their accompaniment, I'll get there eventually! Raindrop sounding ukulele for Spotting puddles I'm feeling - plinkety plinky perfect. Perhaps some cello, or perhaps nothing for some. We shall see… If anyone feels like contributing to this long awaited accompaniment project, please get in touch, I would love that!) And, to accompany the songs, more photographs. 

Spotting puddles in the dark

Listen or download on Soundcloud

Yep, that's 'spotting puddles in the dark'...!!

The sky so beautiful

Listen or download on Soundcloud
Note - my previous perfect (I'm sure it was) attempt at recording somehow failed to actually record start to finish - phone issues as usual, and this one has a couple of imperfections, but I ran out of time with the arrival home of my family directly after I finished this one, so I'm uploading it now rather than waiting the million years for my next chance to record in a quiet place... If you find that you would love to listen to this on repeat, please get in touch and encourage me to hurry up and re-record, with greater perfection. Meantime, thank you for your acceptance of my imperfection.

Oh those bands of beautiful colour

Bicycle medley 

All the ditties! - motivational through to capturing the ambience of the moment

Listen or download on Soundcloud

And finally, just because I have it, I decided it's time to experiment with uploading my first video. This is an absolutely terrible (I mean that) video of me attempting to record a song while I was riding. Feel free not to watch it. But if it sounds like a good way to use a minute and a half or so of your life, feel free to kind of experience with me, whizzing along on my electric bike, singing on the way, accompanied by the wind factor (you might want to turn down the volume initially then adjust)... :-)