Introduction - A year in a moment, a journey of one step

Note - The contents of this post also form part of the Introduction page, so you may have already read this (though now I've updated it a bit and will update the other page now too), if you already explored the site, and got past the rest of the introduction to the site and to me and what I'm doing in general, to find this there at the end of the page... 

This is the abridged story of my whole journey so far, everything in fast forward. I will be recounting as I go in more detail many of the moments that have been important to me along the way, that have brought me from where I started to where I find myself now. There have been so many important moments...

In June 2013, almost exactly one year ago as I write this now, I embarked on a journey; on one level this was a physical journey, beginning in Melbourne, Victoria, in the South East of Australia, where I am from, where I was born, across the world to Europe. Right now I am in Ireland, the country of my ancestors on my maternal side; in the home of my brother and his family in a little place called Auchclogeen, in County Galway, in the West of Ireland. (Actually that was when I wrote this last week, but right now I actually am in the home of one of my many first cousins, in Listry, County Kerry; not so far from the home, the farm of my grandparents, Daniel and Margaret, and my grandfather's line of the family before them…)

In the beginning, I flew from Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia, took a train to Johor Bahru, then travelled, from the port at Tanjung Pelepas, on a container ship; through the Malacca Strait, across the Indian Ocean, through the Pirate Zone, through the Red Sea and the Suez Canal, stopping overnight on board in Port Said, Egypt, then sailing onwards via the Mediterranean Sea, first East to Beirut, Lebanon, where I went ashore for the evening with several of my shipmates, then continuing Westwards through the Mediterranean, past the Greek Islands, then rounding the bend and sailing on, via the Ionian and the Adriatic Seas to Trieste, Italy. My primary purpose for this journey was to visit family and friends around Europe, and since arriving in Trieste in late June last year I have travelled by land and sea from there to many places across Europe - Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, England, Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark... and round again.

The timing of this journey was significant in many ways, somehow I knew that it was time, and I just had to go, ready or not. I left home without too much of a plan and no return ticket. Aside from some very important visits I was to make, I had also come to a point in my life where many things had ended and I wasn't yet sure what was to take their place. I felt stuck, frozen, paralysed, boxed in, and I couldn't figure out which way to turn or how to move forward. I wanted to provide an openness, a space, to invite in something different, something I didn't know about yet. It was time to throw open the doors to possibility, to take a step, a leap of faith, and to journey into the unknown for some seriously deep, and down to earth, life learning. Before leaving home I set some intentions for this journey, and even though I didn't really fully know what I truly needed then, somehow these intentions have come to fruition in the most amazing ways, beyond what I ever imagined was possible.

So much has happened since that beginning…

As I slowly sailed across the oceans and seas, from Malaysia onwards to Europe, I had time for myself, time for reflection and time for peeling back layers, to expose my vulnerable self and all my old buried wounds that needed to be brought to the surface for healing. I had the first glimpses of how to find the way forward, the first clues, but my sight was still clouded by many things.

Many things happened in quick succession after I arrived in Europe and I found myself racing to keep up with myself and all that was happening, but I could only move at snail's pace, like someone had hit the slow motion button on me, and fast forward on everything else, somehow including what was happening within me... I could see the light shining through the cracks in the walls around me, and sometimes I even felt the sun on my skin, but I felt like I was buried deep beneath the ground and no matter how much I tried to dig my way out, towards the surface, I was never quite able to climb out. I was treading water with no land in sight, clinging to just one small piece of wood helping to keep me afloat, going round in circles without realising my leg was tied by a chain, and hitting all the dead ends, not seeing the only way through to the way out of the maze… The love and care of those around me kept me going and I pushed myself, trying to move forward, sometimes finding strength, and even energy to share, helped by the support that kept coming my way. And I could see that light, shining the way... But it never quite got easy, it was always hard work to keep afloat...

Then some more things happened and everything fell completely to pieces all over again. I was shattered, unable to figure out how to begin to put the pieces back together, and I crawled off to lick my wounds and hide my head in the sand. I was almost back where I started, stuck, frozen, paralysed. Propped up but not solid, melting from the inside, getting sucked into negative spirals, and disappearing down the drain. I felt blinkered, and like I was wearing someone else's prescription glasses, unable to see what to do next, where to go, which way to turn, unable to move forward. It felt like there were walls right in front of me in every direction. But they were walls of my own making; walls I built to hold me up when I couldn't hold myself up, and walls to shut out all that was out there that could hurt me, and to shut me in to stop me from making mistakes; but they were also stopping me from moving.

And somehow, in all the confusion of difficulty, the knowledge was still there that if the walls obscuring my vision, cutting me off from the way forward, were of my own making, then my door to possibility was still there too. And somehow I found my way to it, flailing my hands in the dark, and I knocked on the door and I asked for something, anything… And then, even then, I almost went the wrong way, and turned around to curl up in a ball back inside my walls, but then hands appeared through the door, offered to me with no expectations, no conditions, no requirements, and these hands held my hands, and helped me take that step through that door.

And as I have travelled onwards since then, one step at a time, following my feet, to where the wind has blown me, to where the calling has called me, the experiences that I have come to have brought me many important lessons, so much learning and so much healing. Since I began this journey last June, I feel that the world has provided me, over and over again, so many times, with what I have needed to move forwards, even though at some moments along the way it felt like what was happening was pulling me backwards, downwards, even through quicksand or mud; sometimes I think I made that necessary by not yet seeing the way up, forwards, onwards that was being given to me at the same time…

Nothing has been what I expected, but it has all made perfect sense, and strangely I've found that while the new has come in, and come in even beyond all my expectations and wildest dreams, somehow it is all also very familiar, as though it has always been here, I've always had it, always known it, always been it all along. I feel like I've somehow just come back to where I've always been, and I've learned so much but somehow it is all about so many things that I somehow feel I have always really deeply known…

Well I guess it's not so strange really… Somehow it makes complete sense too...

Along the way I have felt much joy, care and love, and I have felt grief and sadness. I have felt long and painful confusion, frustration, disappointment and heartbreak. I have felt weak and I have felt strong. I have felt afraid and in those times I have found the strength of my courage. I have lost myself and found myself a thousand times, struggling with my tenuous hold on my own being as my layers continued peeling back. Through illness and pain, sadness and difficulty, my healing potential was opened to growth, and through healing, it keeps growing.

I have greeted and said goodbye to family and friends, including a last goodbye to my beautiful cousin Janet, who now comes with me on my travels in my heart. I have visited beautiful places, sacred places, places where the ancient ways live, and the places of my ancestors. I have seen both the dark underbellies of many cultures, and the vibrancy of many of the old, and new, ways and traditions. I have lived with communities in many countries, I have become part of these communities. I have explored the alternative fringes in many places, found other ways of being, and discovered worlds and possibilities I never knew or really believed existed. I have met many people working towards a better future, on a journey to a new world.

And I have journeyed inwards as I have journeyed onwards. It has not all been easy, the sailing has not always been smooth, but the lessons have been necessary and I am grateful for what I have learned from all that has happened. I have learnt what it really means that every journey begins with one step, and I have learnt to take that step, and to take that step again, and each time it has been easier and the way forward has been clearer. I have finally found that moving forward doesn't have to be difficult anymore, it can be easy if you allow yourself to feel your way to the path of least resistance instead of heading blindly down every wrong turn and banging your head on the way, when all the signs are pointing the other way...

In the worst moments of my fear I have found trust. I have caught myself seeking external approval, and I have released my need to have others approve of me and instead I have given myself all the approval I need and the authority to make my own choices, and to be who I really am without being afraid. I have struggled with doubt and found assurance. I have been lost in despair and I have remembered hope. I have come home to myself, I have found my place of inner quiet and stillness, and I have opened my heart to love when I didn't even know that it was closed. I have made deep and lasting connections. I have opened to the flow of sharing. My awareness has opened to new levels and my understanding deepened to new depths. I have opened up to my intuition and I have learnt to access my deepest knowing. I have found fulfilment and confidence, and I have found purpose. I believe in the power of creativity and of the resonance of those working in harmony to find balance in the world. I believe in unlimited possibilities. I believe in a wonderful future. I believe in magic.

And so it has been much more than just a physical journey; it has been a journey across many realms, through many levels of experience. And every step of the way, it has been exactly what I have needed it to be, and so much more.

I am very grateful for being able to have had the time, space, resources I have needed to give myself this time. I could not have done this without the help of many, and I am thankful every day for this. I have had help and support from people close to me, family and friends, and also from strangers, friends I hadn't yet met. And the more I have trusted, the more help has come to me. It feels like a miracle and it makes my heart buzz with warmth and love and gratitude. I wish for everyone to have what they need just as I have had. Be open to asking, and be open to allowing yourself to receive whatever you need, and it will find its way to you, how it will. Just ask, be open, and trust. Trust is so important. And it should be so easy, but sometimes the easiest things seem to be the most difficult. Sometimes you don't even realise they're difficult because they should be easy, but then when you realise that they are difficult, even though they are easy, well that's often the first step to letting them become as easy as they really can be after all… :-)

And still my journey continues. Though I have found my way home to myself, I am not home yet in many ways, and the story goes on. It is exciting to think that I don't yet know how this story will end. All I know is that it will be amazing. And that there's already probably a sequel in the making! :-)

May you also always have amazing adventures, wherever you are, and whatever you do. May your life be filled with love, and may you always find what you need to help you move forward in whatever direction you choose, for your highest and greatest good.