Good days, bad days and everything in between.

Good days, bad days and everything in between.

As the days go by, more interruptions to the story, the realities of life as a mother...

Busy days, full days, intense days, quiet days, snuggle days, nature days, friend days, hard days, easy days. Rich days indeed. Good days, bad days and everything in between.

A week in the life of us...

Saturday survived.

With beloved off early to auction, to send our roosters, our chicks grown up, to new homes (or likely a worse fate…), we felt a bit sad… Meanwhile I struggled with aversion while feeding poor dear toddler morning milk on this day, and felt super guilty all the rest of the day for the moment of unstoppable feeling of wanting her away. Then after the usual tumble of morning happenings - potty trips; breakfast (for the little one anyway!); nappy changes and baby feeds; packing all the things that as a mother of two, one needs - I managed to get the rest of us out of the house, and even made it on time - bonus! - to meet our friends, also with two young ones in tow, for lunch. The hour and a half we had together went fast, too fast, as always, between child chasing, food organising, baby feeding, taking everyone to the toilet and changing nappies again, along with the obligatory poosplosion and accompanying entire costume change in the awkward surrounds of the cafe toilet, at least equipped with a change table. But it was good to have the fifteen minutes or so of conversation together that we managed between all the rest...

Back home to collect beloved, then in again (oh the driving…) and we visited a couple of the bigger op shops in town, hoping to find some items to suit our suddenly taller and slimmer toddler two year old. Not much there that suited our needs, though a couple of gems we did find, so perhaps we may have to consider buying some things new. Sigh… Gone are the days of buying only, if any, as many new things as I can count on my fingers, for whole years at a time, that's for sure. But still I try to be an ethical consumer, aiming for second hand, and if not, then locally hand made, sustainably sourced, when I can, and not going over the top with unnecessary new items… How I would love the time to make all the things we need myself...

After dinner, and toddler to bed, a refluxy evening again with the little little one unsettled, then eventually all off to sleep a bit after midnight.

Sunday struggles.

An early start with little one waking and big one disturbed by the motions, at 5:30am. Feeling tired and grumpy, but dear beloved helped me through the feelings of resentment at the demands of two at such an early hour. After the little ones settled again, a couple more hours sleep then milk machine duties all round and then bless beloved for minding the two while I had some more much needed rest.

A clingy day from big little; and the more clingy she was, the more I wanted to get away; and the more I wanted to get away, the more clingy she was, poor tot… Love love beloved who took her outside for wanders, collecting kindling together dropped by the trees on our land. They did some baking together, and made soup from vegies sourced on a little dad and daughter trip to our local farm shop, taking care of our family needs and giving me a bit of breathing space.

The measure of my moments noted in this day when I fitted in no more than 2 or maybe 3 songs on my ukulele before the next demand on me. At least I'm sometimes playing it now, after a long break, inspired to get back to it by sharing my song on here. Glad that sometimes now toddler tot will let me play! And that sometimes she even joins in on hers and sings along too, in her lovely little way, moments of harmony.

Next size up of cloth nappies borrowed and returned by our friends, so hoping to cut back down on disposables again now we have hopefully enough nappies that fit. Counted the tally and depressed to have used around 300 disposable nappies since returning from hospital 3 months ago (plus more used in the hospital days, as in the nursery they didn't supply the cloth we used with big little in her hospital stay). Sometimes we've needed to give ourselves a break, and lately little little has grown too big for her tiny newborn nappies. And we have bought the most eco disposables we can find, sustainably sourced materials, biodegradable in part… But still. I hate every disposable nappy we have used. Insane to think of all the nappies in the world, piling and piling and piling. I prefer a future for my children without these nappies in it. But there they are. And there they will remain. At least with our first we used only 2 packets of 24, of the mostly biodegradable kind - in the hope they might help us get a little blessed sleep, 15 months of difficult nights in - they didn't - plus one from the op shop given to us by a friend, used early on.

Spent the evening again holding mournfully refluxy little little, looking at her tiny face, so sad and then sleepy settling, growing and changing so fast, and reflected on all these challenging feelings, wondering about the source and how to resolve it. Maybe I'm still trying to make up the moments lost with my teeny tiny brand new baby, back in those difficult nursery days. Only 4 days for us, so many have more, but such immensely important moments that they can't be counted in seconds, minutes, hours or days. Sacred moments, outside of time. And the moments lost once home, in catching up with preparations unprepared in the unexpectation of our early arrival. And pumping top up feeds those early weeks, putting baby down just when I wanted to be holding her, and the difficulty of finding moments to do this extra chore in between the demands of feeding the two. And dividing the remaining attention in two, for little little and big little, when I just wanted to love them both so much, in every moment, all the time, but I just couldn't be in all the places at one time. And needing recovery. Needing rest. Needing reflection, and processing. Needing sleep. Needing stillness. Needing silence, and space in my mind.

Monday magic.

Somehow everything was brighter on Monday morning. Perhaps after the moments of respite given by my beloved, and with some warm and cosy bedtime story snuggles and wrapping big little in bedtime rainbows, some baby snuggles too and healing reflection time for me, and then a better sleep, the fog had lifted. Everyone was in a better mood, and the day flowed.

Story snuggly morning again with big little, while feeding little little at the same time. Less pressure from big little for attention, and milk. An outside wander, down the back and up again, fresh morning air enlivening.

And then unicorn baby had her regular (most days - yay!) big afternoon sleep, and toddler dear led the charge in doing the housework, requesting first to do the dishes - cleaned together and later away - yay for a tiny helper who fits right inside the cupboards; cutting together the vegetables for easy cooking later - yay for eating vegetables, only wish miss toddler would…; and "let's all clean together," we swept the floor with our brooms, me chasing behind the to and fro of still learning but definitely improving big little gorgeous helper. Bless her little heart and her enthusiasm for helping, her pride in a job well done and excitement in announcing the afternoon's achievements to her dada on his return.

Cup of tea preparation aided by little helper too, for me, and for beloved, when he returned home from the day's slog. He was tired but happy to see us, and still had the energy to have a dance with our tiny dancer, to the classic Dee Lite.

And yay for a more relaxed and less refluxy evening, everyone off to sleep easily...

Tuesday tricks and troubles...

Of course the moment never lasts, so it was somehow a more wakeful night again, between the two, but not so bad as all that really. We've certainly had worse in the last two years…

Nanna collected big little in the morning, for grandparents playgroup and their special day of play, and after the always still somehow almost tear jerking moment of big little's departure, little little and I enjoyed the chance to quietly snuggle, and catch up on silly things like shuffling files of photos, on phones, computer, hard drives…

And then the restored mood lost, broken, after the arrival home of big little with Nanna. Who against our requests to reduce the influence of consumerism into our young ones' lives, had taken big little shopping, and returned with unneeded items of clothing (chosen by big little - what to say, how to react!) for the small one, to add to our already giant and overwhelming collection in the next size, mostly handed down from big sister, much also already used briefly prior by the small ones of friends, in the fleeting moments these small ones remain in each size, still in perfect condition and fulfilling all our needs. And on top of that had put big little, also against our requests, in front of the TV, again.

Much angst followed.

I love the relationships between our children and their grandparents, especially having never had all that much contact with my own grandparents, far away in Tasmania and Ireland. I love that it is good for my daughters to have the love and attention, and even perhaps some occasional gifts, from these special people in their lives. I love that it brings joy to their grandparents' hearts, to spend time with our little treasures. I love that it gives me a bit of a break, time to spend with little little at this stage in her life, and time to catch up on all the things that have to wait for another day…

But consumerism depresses me, right down to the floor. And I hate television, as much as I am addicted to it, and watch DVDs at home, and TV when I am somewhere that has one, when I have the opportunity and not enough self control to stop myself… I want a different set of influences for my children, so they can discover a different way, and help build the new future that has to be. What to do? How to communicate? How to help this be understood? I know that it's not the norm. I know that it's not the mainstream way. I know that maybe it doesn't seem like it really matters. But it does to me.

And so followed… Wednesday whatever day.

The challenges of these days are made more manageable by the support I am blessed to have around me. My dear darling supportive partner, who takes on child care and home duties when he can, and works hard at a job that is not always fun the rest of the time, who is thankfully also on the same page as me when it comes to our parenting choices.

And grandparents that love to be with our children, who in turn love to be with their grandparents. But how to balance all this with the way I would like them to be brought up. I don't want my daughters watching TV, or shopping in shops for new things too easily available and often unnecessary, that cost the earth in resources and pollution, and all too often cause people somewhere on this same earth misery. I don't want my daughters having lots of toys, too many clothes, too much focus on material items, or spending time being passively entertained. I want to nurture their creativity and curiosity and to let them explore the world and discover and engage and enjoy just being. I want them to have imagination and free time, and time outside. And I also want them to have special relationships with special people in their lives who care so much about them and who they love and who love them. And there's always so many to dos in the life of a family. And also, I need some time for me.

But I need our choices as parents to be respected.

So Wednesday was a low day as I mused on possibilities. Or lost possibilities. How to move forward from here? Back and forth and back again trying to figure out the way… Stuck. Feeling like there was no good option. But my struggles were eased by the love of the little ones, big little sensing my mood and interrupting her snack to follow me to the other end of the house and give me a kiss, "Better now." Bless bless bless her little sensitive heart and soul of love and care.

And kind friends 'listened' via messages, helping also to ease my troubled soul, offering perspectives, empathy, understanding, and advice. Blessed I am to have such friends who care, for me, for my daughters, my family, and for the greatest good of all, to give their honest and helpful thoughts, and who are so generous with their listening.

And then Thursday.

Everything in between.

Moments of peace, calm, harmony, two happy children suspended in the perfect balance - toddler arranging the line up of characters, including herself and her sister, to be tucked in while lying on the mat; or babe asleep in arms that also hold the book to read for big sis; happy smiles, gurgles, kisses and cuddles, the two hanging out on the bed; big sis reading to little sis in a mixture of words from pictures and memory, and gibberish… Before the pendulum would swing back the other way to the next moment of chaos and juggling - between feeding one and helping the other on the potty; one balanced in a big toilet experiment and the other screaming for attention, now; making the effort to prepare on request toast with avocado, one handed while holding a refluxy baby, and then toddler not wanting it in the end anyway… Just as soon as I can appreciate each balanced moment of perfection, the pendulum swings, and away it is gone again…

Friday friends.

A visit from friends (one of the aforementioned, along with her little ones human and dog) brightened our day and warmed our hearts, while a wander together outside in the brisk morning and windy wind got our circulation flowing to our chilled extremities! The three little ones working out interage interstage interactions, so adorably adorable together, and a lovely listener helping once again to ease my troubled soul, while even Banjo the Wonder Dog had a playmate to sniff and run with.

A soothing start to the last day of the working week, which ended early for beloved, with a visit to the doctor and some sobering news about the state of his knees. But we will take care of them, and he will be ok. And perhaps it's a good time for him to be home more, anyway. We will work it out.

Our bodies certainly remind us of their need for care as the days go by. Not quite as quick to rebound as the little ones we watch taking tumbles and picking themselves right back up again with a need only for magic kisses for their healing. A little more effort and attention required to ease our older aches and pains in joints and muscles and bones. But that's life, and maybe sometimes it's good to be reminded to remember to give ourselves some care and love, and each other too.

And round again and back to the usual Saturday story…

Big little swimming with her Dada, leaving time for little little snuggles with Mama, and during afternoon meganap time, some me time and this writing, as prioritised on the suggestion of Friday's friend.

So that was life, for me and my family, last week. This week, and the next, as always, bringing more of the same, but also some things new, each day coming as it will.

Perhaps it's a good thing to have attention focussed in the now sometimes too. To stop looking back, or forward. To stop trying to do something else, to be somewhere else. To just surrender to the necessities of the moment, and the love of the moment, the care of the moment. To feel what we feel, to notice it, then process it, work through it, absorb it or release it.

Strangely enough, with the events of this week bringing television into the focus, while I've been reading lately more on the pros and cons of toddlers and children watching, and about individual shows, since the discovery our toddler has been watching, unbeknownst to us, I've realised we've also meanwhile slipped again into the habit of ourselves watching something on DVD most nights. This is an escape, for sure, from the struggles of these non-stop days, but perhaps more a blockout or denial, than a positive restful nourishing thing to do. And I do know that when I watch too much, my mood is affected just by the watching, and also I lose sleep, and time - for other things to do, that actually help - time to relieve stress by getting jobs done, and time for nurturing activities, even this writing…

Strangely enough I say because part of the solution would be to cut down my own viewing, and also because funnily enough it is a topic upcoming very soon in the story that I keep interrupting...

And, in an odd turn of events, as it happens these last weeks we have been watching some Seinfeld, after finding a couple of series in the op shop the other day, and just yesterday the episode we watched had Kramer battling his addiction to TV by giving his TV to George, and meanwhile making use of Jerry's instead… Ha...

So, meanwhile, sometimes also, perhaps it pays to zoom back out, to look at things from a more distant perspective. This time is so fleeting and so full of new challenges, and so many moments to treasure. Everything changes so fast; sometimes it feels like just as you get the hang of how things are, they change again, in an instant. A first child is always a surprise, nothing can fully prepare you for life with a new baby, a tiny human for whom you are fully responsible. And then the second child brings new surprises too. Much as you've learnt from the first time round, each person is unique and brings something completely different into the picture. And everything is multiplied by two! Except the time, which just vanishes. Hazy days, crazy days, amazing days…

In recent times I also reflected from this bigger perspective, on this life with two children, these last few months, in response to a question on a facebook page, a pregnant mama of one, asking how it is to share the love between two. And this is what I wrote.

So many feelings it's hard to describe... 23 months between my two, almost 3 months in now... Baby surprised us a month early. My heart has melted with love so many times over loving them both separately and together more and more every single day. But it has also been intense, and challenging, and at times overwhelming... My 2 year old has always perhaps been relatively on the high needs side, it would seem, and while it turns out baby is relatively 'easy' (it does seem she was born this way, though it could be out of necessity!!), she is still (has still been?!) a newborn, with newborn needs...

My 2 year old has struggled with sharing attention, mostly mine, and has become extra clingy to me. At times this is lovely as I live in a fairly permanent cuddle puddle, but sometimes I wish she was still excited every day to go outside and feed our animals with her dad as was her tradition before, just so I can have that quiet time with baby and actually pay baby some attention and relax down into baby mode from the intensity of toddler energy... I am lucky to have Nanna and Granny who take miss 2 out or come stay and non stop play respectively to reduce the intensity somewhat...! And my partner helps a lot when he's home, even though sometimes miss little big still just wants me... Slowly she is sometimes now again wanting to go feed the animals with Dada, waving at me through the windows while doing the rounds...

The time goes even faster than ever with two and I feel like both my little ones are growing and changing so fast...!! My little premmie baby in 00000 clothes grew so fast she's in 00s already and not yet 3 months. And she's almost definitely my last so I get that twang every time I put away each size of little things to move to the next... I feel like I almost missed it, it went so fast...! Where did my tiny baby go?! And meanwhile my toddler is suddenly speaking massive sentences and I've lost track now of the new words she is saying every day. She's growing up so much!

I feel closer than ever with my big girl, and we've had deeper and more meaningful conversations than ever before, talking with her about how she felt while mama was in hospital, and how it feels now sharing mama..., listening to her tears and holding her close and telling her I always love her, even when I'm busy... and I've gotten more frustrated with her than ever before too, particularly when she wants milk milk milk milk milk when she just had some and I'm trying to feed hungry baby and she's jumping all over us... I've struggled with nursing aversion with my toddler too which is hard, especially when she was down to just one feed at bedtime most days while I was pregnant after my supply dropped and now up to wanting it pretty much all the time... and most especially when baby is feeding... I've had to set limits for the sake of my own sanity, and for practicality, as I could easily be breastfeeding one or the other completely non stop ALL DAY... and I found feeding both simultaneously awkward and uncomfortable and frustrating and draining, though I still do it that way very occasionally...

And right now the oddest random unexpected feeling I am having is that my deltoid muscles and biceps are really aching from holding books up with my arms in the air over feeding baby while toddler leans on one arm to be as close to me as possible and I hold her away from squashing the baby, and still I have to turn pages and hold the book so we can both see. Super achy ouchy!! Kinda funny... My partner moved rocks all day at work but I feel like my muscles surely ache more than his...!!

Sometimes toddler has moments of wanting to push baby aside and slowly is less often suggesting it's time for someone else to 'cuddle baby now'... But she also loves her sister more and more and more and it is the most adorable thing ever in the whole wide world to see - even just the way she looks at her and talks to her, and how she showers her with affection... In fact all of us are getting so many cuddles and kisses, so much heart warming love from toddler girl right now, more and more and more..... And little one is looking more and more at us and smiling, and my heart just bursts when I see my big little one go to her, and talk to her or smile at her or kiss her and little little one's face cracks into a lopsided baby grin..... I remember seeing a toddler and 6 month old sibling giggling together when I was pregnant and oh am I looking forward to so many beautiful moments....

And I feel desperately sad for every moment I have to miss one on one with each of them, and I cherish every second I have with each alone and with both together more and more....

And I grieve for my big one being my little one, and almost cry looking at old photos and videos of 'before'... When she first came in to hospital to meet her sister I had to restrain myself from exclaiming 'You're enormous! Look at the size of your head!!!' (I didn't feel it was quite what was needed in that moment...!!) And sometimes I have to remind myself to remember, and sometimes I just can't forget, how little she is still....

I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried in hospital, in my ward bed alone with my little one in the nursery for four days, me coming and going (painful slow waddling back and forth and back and forth again) between feeds to chase my own lost meals and not manage much sleep, and my big little one meanwhile struggling through the nights at Nanna's house with neither Dada or Nanna able to console her...

Heartbreaking... I missed them all so so so much......

And the biggest relief ever in the whole wide world when they said we could go home and being in the car all together heading home and my big little one singing about home and about her sister...

Being torn in two at bedtimes, especially in the early days when both needed me, only me, at the same time, listening to one cry while I fed or settled the other, back and forth... Some moments a bit like this now but not so badly...

Mastering the art of cuddling my toddler while feeding little one/holding her up post feed to help her reflux. Blessing my little helper who brings me my stool for my feet, the cloth for the spit ups when I forget to get organised, without me even asking...!! Watching her take care of her own babies (newborn doll we gave her when her sister arrived, and any of her assortment of soft toys she has suddenly started bonding with): breastfeeding them - both sides!, changing nappies, feeding food, cuddles, dancing, singing with them, sometimes all at once...!

Bathing the beautiful tiny two together in our tiny bucket bath, and all four of us (Mama and Dada too) skin to skin in the big bath at Nanna's house - somewhat squashy, yes, ;-) but beautiful and worth it, yes. :-)

Sleeping (sort of), awkwardly, in a puddle of tiny people, feeling so much love and so so so so tired...

So. Many. Feelings... So. Much. Love.